Happy Anniversary! Lessons we can take from other peoples stories
Happy Anniversary! Lessons we can take from other peoples stories
My parents celebrated 45 years of marriage last weekend. Well done parentals! This is a huge milestone. What I find especially noteworthy is that my parents have worked together for about half that time as well. This means that they have spent most of their waking time together for the better part of their lives. I remember as a kid when people would ask my mom “How have you managed to stay married for as long as you have?” her response, without fail would be: “The key, is knowing when to shut up?” Although I don’t think this is all it took, I do think there is a lot behind this statement.
Being in any relationship, personal or with colleagues at work, requires reflection. Implicitly, “knowing when to keep quiet” means having spent time reflecting on what the big things are, the values and the things that are non-negotiable. It means that there is absolute clarity that there are things worth rocking the boat about and there are things that may be less important in the bigger scheme of things. It is about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and realizing that it may be more important for them or for the relationship to not sweat the small stuff.
Please note: I am by no means saying that if there are things worth saying, you don’t say them.
This statement also implies a choice. I have always believed love is a choice and sometimes it requires a lot of hard work. Choosing to be in a relationship with another person requires not one but many choices on a daily basis. It requires choosing to show up even when you don’t feel like it. It requires choosing to say things in a respectful way. It requires a choice to keep getting better, growing not only for yourself but for the sake of your relationship. It requires a choice to be loyal and responsible. It certainly doesn’t happen by accident.
I also think that their ability to work and live together as long as they have, means that they needed to trust each other, on purpose. The reason I didn’t say that they trusted each other despite everything was because they are human beings. This implies that they had a foundation of trust – there was a metaphorical positive balance on the “trust account” most of the time. Yes, there may have been times when they did things that may have made temporary withdrawals from the account, but they never left it at that. They made sure that they built the trust up again.
I lived in their home. I know that things weren’t always smooth sailing. My parents have had their own business through some turbulent times. There were days (sometimes a little longer) when they didn’t like each other (or us) very much. They lost a child. They made some bad decisions. They made good ones. But I honestly believe what kept them going was a choice: despite what was going on they will choose to hope that tomorrow will be better and facing it together is the best way to go. No person is always at their best, but when you have a solid support system, be that in the form of family, friends, or colleagues, the chances of getting through tough times are so much better than on your own.
I also think my parents were safe from the Instagram generation. Where everyone’s highlight reels are online and up for public scrutiny. They did life without the excessive need to look around at what everyone else was doing. Comparison was less accessible. They did life in the moment, they fumbled and reset but it was not on the big screen. They celebrated their ups and downs together and it wasn’t something they needed external validation for. I am not saying that putting up your family holiday photos is bad – I just think sometimes we are less critical about why we are doing it and potentially that we get lost in comparison when looking at those of others. Comparison breeds resentment and dissatisfaction. And that isn’t good soil for a healthy relationship or person to grow in.
To sum up, the lessons I think one can take from their story apply to any successful relationship:
- If it matters – fight for it.
- Take the time to understand the needs of the people involved.
- Don’t make assumptions!
- Things are almost never easy – expect the uphill, and support each other when things get tough.
- Celebrate each other’s strengths and strengthen each other in areas of weakness.
- Don’t let resentment grow be careful of the comparison trap.
- The way you say things matters a lot.
- Be clear on what you value and make sure you are aligned.
- Don’t stop growing. Grow on your own and grow together. Invest in yourself but also invest in doing things together.
- If there is no trust, there is no way. Invest in your trust account. Keep an eye on your balance.
The abovementioned points certainly apply to work relationships too!
If you feel you need help getting your organisation or team to build trust and establish a solid foundation, get in touch. You can reach us at info@purposeworks.co.za.
At PurposeWorks we are all about Making You and Your Work Rock. Our focus is on Organisational Health and Design, Employee Centered Culture, Leadership Development and Performance Coaching. For more information on how we can help you create a work environment that rocks, develop a great team, become an inspiring leader or unlock your personal excellence talk to us at info@purposeworks.co.za.
