A little girl and a big horse
A little girl and a big horse
This past weekend I had the privilege of watching my little girl (the youngest at her stables), ride in her second showcase. Neither my husband nor I are experienced riders, so seeing how she rides these amazing creatures is always so impressive.
In preparation for the show, a lot of work goes into getting comfortable in the saddle. The morning of the show she was a little nervous, so she and I took a walk. I asked her why she was feeling nervous. She said it’s all the people. I offered: “They have all come to see you ride”. Her response blew my mind: “I don’t do this for them, this is not about them”.
You might be wondering why this is significant to me. And I would love to share. I work with people every day. I have the amazing privilege of hearing their stories and helping them get perspective. Many of the stories I hear are so deeply embedded in a simple, yet irrational, core belief: I need to do it for approval. The shoulds and musts cause people so much unnecessary suffering.
My little girl and a horse reminded me how important it is to question that belief.
It often manifests in people-pleasing. It pushes you away from your true self. One needs to question this belief by asking three questions:
- Who said I should or must?
- Why should I?
- Do I agree?
We are social animals and we need to be part of a group. We don’t do well when we are isolated and alone. but that does not mean that we need or can ever achieve everybody’s approval. It is completely impossible to keep everyone happy all the time. It should not be a goal.
We had to walk the horse into the arena for the prize giving. My daughter refused. Again she isn’t doing it for the approval (PJ: And she gets her stubbornness from her mom!). But a triggering thought I had was: “What will people say if she doesn’t?” This immediately got me thinking about another core belief that causes me and many other people immense unnecessary suffering. The self-imposed perception that others are constantly judging us.
We are so concerned that we don’t live up to the standards we set ourselves and that we think others set for us that we get stuck. We procrastinate. We freeze. We get resentful. All because we think it is all about us. We need to take perspective to be able to grow. But how? Ask yourself: Whose judgement do I fear? If that belief about the judgement is accurate would it make a difference in how you show up or behave?
All this from a little girl and a horse!
If you struggle to identify your limiting core beliefs, our coaching approach can help you identify the beliefs you need to challenge or reframe. Get in touch to find out how we go about it. You can reach us at info@purposeworks.co.za.
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