Agh shame!
Agh shame!
This is a phrase we South Africans use so often. It is something I have often said to show admiration – “agh, shame – look how cute that is” or to show empathy “agh, shame, that must be terrible”. I am sure as you are reading this you can add to the many different ways in which we use this phrase to convey meaning. It is so part of our language. Recently, in reading Brene Brown’s work (I am a huge fan of her work) on emotional experiences in her book Atlas of the Heart, I realized how recklessly we are using the word shame in our vernacular.
Shame is such a deep-seated emotion – I personally think one that we underplay in terms of its impact on how we show up. Being intrigued by her writings I started investigating the word SHAME. I started just looking at how shame is defined. Merriam Webster dictionary defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety”; Wikipedia defines it as – “an unpleasant self-conscious emotion often associated with negative self-evaluation; motivation to quit; and feelings of pain, exposure, distrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.” And in an article by Hailey Shafir reviewed by Lynn Byars – shame is defined as “…feelings of inadequacy created by internalized negative beliefs about oneself. Personal insecurities, secrets, mistakes, and perceived flaws can all trigger shame responses, causing people to become extremely self-conscious, self-critical, and embarrassed.”
I found a few common themes in all the definitions of shame:
1. It is painful (it is uncomfortable)
2. It is based on our own perception of experience (it is about me)
3. It is often negative (it is unpleasant)
4. It is disempowering and critical (it is full of judgment).
Sheesh!!! So where does this experience come from?
Well, in Brene’s book she writes that shame “results from feeling flawed and unworthy of love, belonging and connection”. It is an emotion that is inherently focused inward – it is not a behaviour but rather a way in which we see ourselves and our worth.
So why would I want to “get into” such an emotion so early on a Friday morning you ask?
Well, because I believe so deeply that unless we “go there” with this emotional experience we cannot breach the barriers to connection. If we don’t go through the discomfort of recognizing our own triggers of shame we cannot show up with empathy for others. If we don’t feel we deserve love and belonging, we cannot authentically create that space for others to show up. As PurposeWorks is all about helping people show up better than yesterday – this really hit a nerve, personally.
In a world where so many people are trying to hide their imperfections through Instagram filters and beautified online stories, where the answer “fine” or “busy” to the question “how are you?”, hides a generation of people who are trying to mask their human experiences through perfection because nobody else seems to have them (human experiences such as sadness, loss, fear, anger etc). It shows up as imposter syndrome and in our constant need for comparison and external validation.
Our fear of being judged for our actions, thoughts or experiences – “what will people think?” – keeps this façade in-tact. The more in-tact it remains the more disconnected we become, unable to share our true selves with those around us. Why you ask? Brene’s writes that when shame is present, empathy cannot be. Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy (not showing yourself), silence (not reaching out) and judgement (what others my think, feel or say). In essence, we process all the information we encounter through the self-centered lens – “how does this impact on me?”
Exhausting right?
We have also developed some really un-useful ways to try to extinguish our shame (because it is so darn uncomfortable and unpleasant). We distract ourselves – this provides temporary relief but in the long run leaves wounds festering and affecting our decisions and behaviour; we look for external validation from money, praise, success, status, or material things – which is fleeting and unsustainable; we become overly self-critical – which just further strengthens the negative self-concept and increases the experience of shame.
All hope isn’t lost – empathy is the antidote to shame writes Brene Brown.
So how do we then move away from shame and into empathy?
- Be more mindful: Notice when you feel shame. What causes you to feel it? Mindfulness techniques, like bringing attention to the present moment by focusing on breath, one or more of the five senses, or even devoting full attention and energy to a task can be helpful in reducing shame.
- Pay attention to your self-talk: What do you expect from yourself? What do you believe about yourself? Is this realistic? Is this serving me? Can I reframe this?
- Connect, connect, connect! Share your story! People connect to one another when we share (our real) stories because we all have shared experiences.
- Be vulnerable with those you trust: Talk about what you feel and ask for what you need. Find people with whom you can share what you really feel and with whom you can be vulnerable enough to ask for what you need.
- Focus on what you can do now – not what happened in the past: When shame arises in situations where there is a need to repair, resolve, or find a solution to a problem, it is more productive to think about what can and should be done now rather than what already happened.
Shame is a very human emotion, one we all experience. But it holds us back from becoming our fullest selves.
As always, thank you for reading. Please share with anyone you think could find this insight useful.
Have a great weekend!
At PurposeWorks we are all about Making You and Your Work Rock. Our focus is on Organisational Health and Design, Employee Centered Culture, Leadership Development and Performance Coaching. For more information on how we can help you create a work environment that rocks, develop a great team, become an inspiring leader or unlock your personal excellence talk to us at info@purposeworks.co.za.
