Do you have an inner coach or critic?

Do you have an inner coach or critic?

Studies have shown that men and women alike speak about 16,000 words per day Mehl, et al, 2007. Interestingly, studies have also found that our inner voice speaks to us at a rate of 4,000 words per minute Kross, 2021. Incredible – which means that our inner voice is speaking to us a whole lot more than any outside voice on any given day.

I find this imbalance to be profound. As a coach, I find that many of the obstacles my clients are challenged with are very much linked to what they are continuously saying to themselves. To be honest, my own inner voice is regularly working overtime – either trying to make sense of past events (specifically at night when I get into bed) or trying to predict the future.

I have recently learnt from Ethan Kross in his book Chatter that having an inner voice is a uniquely human experience (as far as we can tell). It allows us to introspect, to solve problems and to be creative. It is a critical part of being able to adequately respond to life’s challenges. It serves a protective function. But when we give it the wrong job description it can be detrimental.

When we give our inner voice the wrong job description, we allow it to morph from the role of inner coach (which should protect, teach, evolve, get better) to the more dreaded inner critic (you suck!). When our self-talk is filled with doubt and criticism, it has detrimental effects on our decision-making ability, our well-being and our ability to take positive action. It becomes a negative feedback loop – driven by automatic negative thoughts translated into negative feelings – which often result in inactivity or self-defeating behaviours.

I do find it a little strange that we keep listening to it. Would you ever take so much negativity, criticism, or absurdity from another person? Look, we do need an objective voice, one that keeps us accountable when we do and say things that aren’t aligned with our values. But we also need a cheerleader encouraging us to better, to try again, and to just go for it.

How do we move that voice from critic to coach?

Become aware of what your inner voice is saying to you.

• You can do this by being present more often – spend time in mindfulness practice. Be honest about what you feel. And acknowledge where you are. Breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation and journaling are great ways of getting in touch with your inner voice and evaluating its content.
• Wrestle with it – don’t accept everything it says as the solemn truth.
• Spend time around people who make you better. Their objectivity and positivity are contagious.
• Spend time determining what your values are. This is something we have written about so much but it underpins so many facets of thriving. It has immeasurable value in creating a solid foundation for us to show up.
• Don’t climb on the rollercoaster if it makes you sick. We are all allowed to experience our positive and negative emotions, but we don’t have to become victims of them. We need to learn that acknowledgement of emotions and feelings is great but reacting to every emotion is not wise or good for us. It literally can make you sick.
• Learn to use your inner voice to prepare you for the future rather than to run from it. Let it help you prepare for a tough conversation with a little role-play. I often use role-play to help my clients more objectively look at what could happen and minimize their angst.
• Use the coach to learn from the past. We shouldn’t get stuck in the past, but we must look back to grow. The role of memory is to remind us of what works and what doesn’t. We have to be able to take learnings and apply them in order to get better.
• Learn to speak to yourself in the third person – call yourself by name – this helps create space between yourself and the problem. Making it possible to be more objective.
• Take perspective – don’t believe everything you think. Look for alternatives and context. I have found it super useful that when I find that voice becoming the critic, to immediately attribute a silly voice to it. I use Winnie the Pooh’s Eeyore’s voice to create some distance. When I hear the voice go down the poor me, victim spiral – I speak to myself in Eeyore’s voice. I don’t want to be an Eeyore. It immediately makes me think about and acknowledge what I am really feeling (not the smoke screen), re-evaluate and decide to reframe, reposition and take responsibility. My response usually sounds something like this “Oh Eeyore, give me a hug (acknowledge), I know this sucks (admit) but you got this you have overcome challenges in the past (encourage).” Sounds silly but it really works for me
• Re-consider your personal board of directors. The people on your board should be willing and able to validate how you feel but also keep you accountable to look for real workable solutions.

We must remember that ultimately “We are, each of us, a product of the stories we tell ourselves” (borrowed from a friend). If we only have stories being repeated about our failures, where we didn’t live up to expectations and how we missed the mark – we will inevitably become more negative, self-absorbed and dismayed. If we are listening to stories of victory, overcoming our challenges and growth we will be more likely to thrive.

Use your 5 million words you speak to yourself in a day wisely – they will change the trajectory of your life!

If you would like to change your inner critic to inner coach we would love to help, get in touch. You can reach us at info@purposeworks.co.za.

At PurposeWorks we are all about Making You and Your Work Rock. Our focus is on Organisational Health and Design, Employee Centered Culture, Leadership Development and Performance Coaching. For more information on how we can help you create a work environment that rocks, develop a great team, become an inspiring leader or unlock your personal excellence talk to us at info@purposeworks.co.za.