Don’t be fooled by Good Vibes Only
I’d rather be whole than good – Carl Jung
Positive emotions are just so much fun! Who wouldn’t want to be happy, content, joyful, optimistic and at peace all the time? Like some of the people you come across on social media (or in real life). They just never seem to have a bad day, or even a single negative thought. Ever. It’s just Good Vibes all day, every day.
But what if that’s not your experience?
What about the odd times when you feel sad, angry, frustrated, jealous or discouraged – surely there must be something wrong with you?
Time for some good news. These “I’m always good, thanks” people are lying, to you and to themselves.
But you already knew this…
This type of thinking and behaviour is known as toxic positivity, which is the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic (and full spectrum of) human emotional experience. In essence this way of thinking assumes that we should not pay attention to, acknowledge, or even experience any negative emotions, ever. It sounds something like “this will all be over soon”, “don’t worry, be happy”, “don’t think about it, stay positive”, “everything happens for a reason” or all kinds of platitudes that do not work, are not true and leave you feeling worse than before. As the Stockdale paradox (shared two weeks ago) explains – it is those people that are naively optimistic during difficult times that have the lowest chance of survival.
Now to be clear, being optimistic does lead to better physical health, better relationships, higher levels of creativity, productivity and problem solving, to name just a few benefits. But nobody can be optimistic, positive and happy all the time. Everybody experiences a bad day every now and again. When they do occur it is important to remember that ruminating (constantly mulling them over in your mind) on a negative thought or emotion will not benefit you in the long run. Truly experiencing an emotion for a while and getting stuck in it, is not the same thing. You can experience it without letting the emotion overwhelm your entire being and identity.
Here are some basic pointers of what you can do to handle these experiences in a healthy way:
- Although emotions can be categorized as either positive or negative, none of them are in essence good or bad. All emotions are normal and healthy in the sense that they reflect an inner experience of our external circumstances. Being sad or anxious because of illness, social isolation, losing a job or a loved one is the most natural response and should not be diminished. Give yourself permission to feel this way if it is the most appropriate response to your situation.
- Be authentic about your experience. Let others know what you are going through. Share your thoughts and feeling with someone you trust. Ignoring or putting these emotions aside will only lead to bigger problems, physical, mental or relational, in the future. If you are on the receiving end of such a conversation, listen as best you can and don’t try to offer solutions from the outset. Often the best medicine is to be truly heard.
- Dealing with negative emotion in a healthy way takes a whole lot of courage. Being open to the experience, being authentic about it and taking some sort of action despite these feelings amounts to the opposite of weakness. While being open and real about your sadness, fears or frustration is a very good start, at some stage you do need to take some constructive action towards dealings with these emotions or changing the circumstances that cause them. This might include asking for help, particularly when it feels like these emotions might overwhelm you. You are less likely to get caught up in a negative spiral when you start doing something about your situation, however small these actions might be to start with.
The Takeaway
Optimism and hope are your best chance of getting through a difficult situation or period in life. But they do not paint the full picture. Negative emotions are a natural and normal part of life. Be open to what they have to teach you. Do not allow yourself to fall victim to toxic positivity. Be optimistic to know that you will make it through, but also be brutally honest about your current situation. This takes authenticity and courage – and these are the characteristics you need to experience a full life.
As we wrap up…
Taking these tough times into consideration and with the knowledge that people are under severe pressure, PurposeWorks has developed a series of workshops aimed at building resilience, enhancing emotional intelligence, managing and dealing with burnout and focusing on the importance of selfcare. Our aim is to provide practical, actionable advice, informed by the science of Positive Psychology in an accessible and affordable format.
These workshops are aimed at individuals, teams and organisations of all sizes. Please contact us at hello@purposeworks.co.za for more information on scheduling and pricing options.
At PurposeWorks we are all about Making You and Your Work Rock. Our focus is on Organisational Health and Design, Employee Centered Culture, Leadership Development and Performance Coaching. For more information on how we can help you create a work environment that rocks, develop a great team, become an inspiring leader or unlock your personal excellence talk to us at info@purposeworks.co.za.
