Empty Shelves

Empty shelves

This week someone shared a picture from 2020 when the lockdown was announced. The image was of a grocery store’s shelves that were completely empty – more specifically the toilet paper aisle. This immediately triggered thoughts of fear and scarcity that, when they are driving our train of thought, cause us to become overwhelmed and behave irrationally. When we are scared we are motivated primarily by self-preservation. But I don’t think fear or scarcity are experiences triggered by pandemics only. It can be started by what’s happening in Cape Town with the taxi strike or by a photo we see of someone else’s new house, clothes or holiday on social media. They are some of our most basic human experiences, and we don’t like them because they make us feel vulnerable.

Our irrational thought patterns and lack of perspective caused by this fear easily make us victims of the comparison trap. Please note that when I am speaking of fear, our brains do not distinguish between physical and social threats – they are equally fear-inducing in our minds. We start looking around – who has more, who has it better, what are they doing? We use the information we gather to rank our experiences, social standing, and hurt.

Let me expand:

• We use this comparison to deny ourselves permission to feel what we need to feel: “I shouldn’t be sad because I didn’t get a raise – there are people who live under bridges.” We very eloquently attribute this to being humble and being a grateful person. But when we don’t acknowledge what we are feeling, or give ourselves permission to feel, we end up full of shame.
• Or we use it to justify, rationalize and give ourselves permission to let our feelings get out of hand: “I don’t have a support system so it’s harder for me to be a parent than it is for them; I have lost more than they have, my hurt is more painful than theirs etc”. This is the other end of the coin where we become so self-absorbed and inward-focused that we feel we need to justify ourselves and our feelings. This is a prime breeding ground for resentment (dangerous territory…).

I often see the power struggle between denial and rationalization when working with clients. We really do struggle with processing our emotions and our vocabulary is so limited when we are speaking about our experiences and emotions. So, what should we be doing when we find ourselves anxious and feeling fearful?

1. Acknowledge that complaining is okay, and feeling our emotions is okay, BUT perspective is necessary. Perspective is a function of experience. We cannot understand without experience and no two people experience things in the same way. Learn how to acknowledge what you are feeling, acquire more specific language to describe what you are feeling and learn to ask for what you need.
2. Listen more. This stems from the previous point that allows people to give you a better perspective. When we listen without trying to deny or rationalize, we are able to really hear and connect.
3. Focus on the meaning behind the feeling. Context gives meaning. I find asking myself why I feel the way I do, or what I fear losing, often gives a lot of information, creates meaning and helps me contextualize not only my own but other people’s experiences as well.
4. The worst loss is always your loss. Acknowledge that every person’s experience is relative. For some having to not be able to shop at their favourite store is their worst struggle, but for others facing gunfire on the way to work is theirs. It is not comparative, and it never will be. How much more compassion can we have when we are able to acknowledge this?
5. Have empathy with yourself before you can have empathy with others. We cannot show empathy when we experience shame. And comparison drives shame and resentment, which diminishes empathy.
6. Pay attention to what you are paying attention to (and adjust where needed). I think the comparison dilemma is put into overdrive with our exposure to social media. It has become so natural for many of us to judge and compare our situation to those of others because we have access to other people’s stories (however inflated or curated) at the tips of our fingers. But we do not have access to the full context, motivation or perspective.

In short, try to stick to your own lane, and avoid judgement and comparison. This may help us show more compassion to ourselves but also to the people around us.

If you are having a difficult time trying to stay in your own lane and set healthy habits to avoid the downside of comparison, get in touch. You can reach us at info@purposeworks.co.za.

At PurposeWorks we are all about Making You and Your Work Rock. Our focus is on Organisational Health and Design, Employee Centered Culture, Leadership Development and Performance Coaching. For more information on how we can help you create a work environment that rocks, develop a great team, become an inspiring leader or unlock your personal excellence talk to us at info@purposeworks.co.za.