Presence, not presents

Although the decorations have been up and the Boney M Christmas album on repeat in most stores since October (or was it August?), it is now officially THAT time of the year.

Generally, I prefer to avoid malls at all costs. Recently I saw two elderly people (I assume looking for gifts for their grandkids), the lady with a list and the gentleman desperately looking for something on the toy shelf for each of the kids. As he was suggesting gifts she was not approving, he was becoming increasingly agitated. Something well-intentioned ended up with them having a spat. Don’t get me wrong: I am a big fan of the Christmas spirit – the Christmas trees, the lights, the excitement, baking biscuits, Christmas carols and movies on repeat. But the more people I speak with, the more I hear that people are already tired after festive get-togethers, the pressure of making time for last-minute everything to tick the boxes.

Many feel rushed and exhausted (maybe you do too).

I recently re-watched the epic film The Gods must be crazy. This movie is such a good reminder of how we as Western civilization have (often well-intentioned) created more complexity than necessary. The introduction to the movie is an epilogue describing two groups of people: the Khoisan and the “civilized man”. The following snippet describing the Khoisan got me thinking: “Where any other person would die of thirst in a few days, they live quite contentedly in this desert that doesn’t look like a desert. They know where to dig for roots and bulbs and tubers, and which berries and pods are good to eat. They must be the most contented people in the world. They have no crime, no punishment, no violence, no laws, no police, judges, rulers, or bosses. They believe that the gods put only good and useful things on the earth for them to use. In this world of theirs, nothing is bad or evil. Even a poisonous snake is not bad. You just have to keep away from the sharp end.”

What I found myself thinking about whilst listening to and re-reading the script for this movie was how the contentment of the Khoisan lies in the fact that they appreciate the small things in life and are not concerned about comfort. They are happy with what they have and are not overly focused on what they don’t have. I am by no means suggesting that we should all become monks or go live in the Kalahari. But maybe there are some things we can learn from them that will make this festive season one that is less about the list of presents and more about our presence.

• Take off the pressure: The best kuiers (get-togethers) are those where you don’t feel like you need to clean, organize, and entertain. Those get-togethers where everyone is just there enjoying each other’s company – not concerned about tidying up and keeping everyone happy. This, I believe, is another lesson from the Khoisan people – they were content with the existence within their tribe – they weren’t concerned with the expectations of people outside of their environment. The movie humorously depicts (I am not sure about historical accuracy) how when they start concerning themselves with the expectations of European culture it resulted in them becoming vulnerable to jealousy, anger, frustration and in-fighting – ultimately stealing the peace they were known for. My resolution this festive season: let go of the expectations and choose your tribe wisely.
• The gift of presence: The best things in life don’t cost a penny. Spending quality time with loved ones. Having a picnic outside under a tree. Enjoying a cup of coffee together. Looking each other in the eyes. Making memories is a gift. That being said, my love language is gift-giving. I really do love the process of picking out the perfect gift, wrapping it and sharing love in this way. When I ask others what their fondest festive season memories were, they don’t recall gifts they received – they recall watermelons in swimming pools, sleepovers, building sandcastles, building puzzles or playing board games. They remember time invested, not money spent. The Khoisan captured their experiences in their rock art – this was how they told their stories from generation to generation. This festive season try making memories that you would be proud to put on a rock painting.
• Focusing on what I have, not what I don’t have: The festive season seems simple: spend, spend, spend. People’s social media (highlight reels) are filled with – sun-tanned bodies, holidays on exotic beaches or expensive gifts. It is easy for one to start noticing what you don’t have or to spiral into the scarcity loop. If you find yourself experiencing the green bubbles of envy, try to minimize your exposure to social media and advertising platforms. Instead, focus on gratitude. Count your blessings, recognize what you have – especially the things money cannot buy – relationships, health, family.
• Try not to overindulge: The natural tendency during the festive season is to spend more, eat more, drink more, sleep less, and likely not exercise. That post-Christmas lunch coma we know all too well. The Khoisan live off the land, they harvest what they need to survive. The San were able to follow the seasons and know where the plants for food would grow, making sure not to pick too many plants and damage the environment. When an antelope was killed, they would use every part of the animal, so that nothing went to waste. This was because they respected the animal for sacrificing its life so that they could eat it. They also had to follow the migration of the antelope for hunting to ensure that they would never go hungry and know the different places to get water so that they would not go thirsty. If anyone became ill, they would also know which plants to use as medicine. They were focused on the long-term sustainability of their actions and were aware of how their actions impacted the environment and animals around them. This festive season I encourage you to spend time doing things that are going to benefit you in the long run – read, exercise, eat well (but not too much), sleep and connect. Think about your January self.
• Choosing to see the best in others: In the quote about the Khoisan it is clear that they can see the good everywhere, even in a snake. They don’t focus on the danger (obviously they are aware of it), they are resourceful and generous in what they choose to see in their environment and their people. They are a peaceful people who live in harmony with their environments. They choose to believe that everyone is inherently good and that harmony is possible. May you be able to look at others this festive season with grace and believe that everyone is doing the very best they can. Even if they aren’t by your measure, believing so will help you be less resentful and allow you to meet each person where they are.

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