Talk to yourself like a friend
Talk to yourself like a friend
If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that my laugh is way too loud. Some have called it unnecessarily loud. The thing is: I can’t help it! It just comes out that way – especially when something really funny catches me off guard, without warning.
It happened again last Sunday. In church. In the process, making most of the congregation jump, frightening some young kids and embarrassing my teenage son (deeply, once again).
The visiting dominee (pastor) from Pretoria, who was fantastic, told us about one lady from his church who seems to have “a gift for finding faults” and “the spirit of discouragement”. This reference, in the context of his story, was unexpected and incredibly funny.
Well, I thought so…
What stuck with me for the rest of the day and week was this idea of “a spirit of discouragement”. I can think of few things worse than being someone who leaves others discouraged, on purpose, and sees it as an accomplishment. Even if it is done accidentally, it’s not something that I want to be known for! (Maybe this is part of the reason I found his use of the phrase so funny).
Yes, many millions of people (and bots) indeed spend large amounts of their lives actively trying to discourage and degrade others online. It is also true that many people are surrounded by real people who are actively trying to put them down in the real world. These experiences are unfortunate, to say the very least. But something that you become very aware of when you talk to and coach lots of high-performing people is that the most discouraging voices in their lives, and ours, are often our own.
Somewhere along the journey of life, we pick up the belief that we will only perform at our best by being incredibly hard on ourselves – that guilt, shame and impossible expectations of perfection will guide us on the road to success. Don’t get me wrong: I absolutely believe that we should have high standards and expect big things of ourselves. We should always be aiming upwards. But there is a marked difference between that and talking to yourself like a Twitter troll would.
One of the best pieces of advice on regulating self-talk comes from a classic book called The Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gellway. He advised his players to, when they inevitably made mistakes, talk to themselves like a good friend would. I don’t know your friends, but mine are kind, loving, encouraging and warm. When I mess up, they tell me the truth I need to hear, but never in a way that makes me feel like a gutter rat. The truth can hurt a lot in the moment, but a good friend tells it with the aim of building up, not discouraging, like that lady from Pretoria.
So, the next time you don’t perfectly nail your lofty aims, try to take a different tone. Face reality, tell yourself the truth, but not as that anonymous person on social media would. Rather, try being a good friend to yourself.
Thank you for reading – have a lekker weekend! And GO BAFANA!!
Ps. I wrote this piece yesterday, and then this morning, read the following from James Clear:
“Be forgiving with your past self. What’s done is done. No sense in beating yourself up about it.
Be strict with your present self. Win the moment in front of you right now.
Be flexible with your future self. There are many paths to success. You don’t need life to be a certain way to live well.”
If you struggle talking to yourself like a friend, get in touch. You can reach us at info@purposeworks.co.za.
At PurposeWorks we are all about Making You and Your Work Rock. Our focus is on Organisational Health and Design, Employee Centered Culture, Leadership Development and Performance Coaching. For more information on how we can help you create a work environment that rocks, develop a great team, become an inspiring leader or unlock your personal excellence talk to us at info@purposeworks.co.za.
