Walking the fine line of leadership empathy

Walking the fine line of leadership empathy 

It has finally arrived! The weekend that launches the first episode of Chasing the Sun 2, the documentary on the Springboks’ defence of the 2023 Rugby World Cup in France. The first season was one of the best local productions we’ve ever seen – the quality with which it was done, the excellent storytelling and the way it showcased the humanity behind the game. It gives supporters and outside observers insight into the way the individuals think and how the teams interact as an organisation. One (of many) fascinating components is getting a view of how the leaders handle humanity and performance – balancing the needs of the individual with those of the team.

This is one of the toughest challenges that any leader is likely to face: understanding and caring for the individual, while also taking contribution and performance into account. The day will come when coach Rassie has to decide whether he can still pick Siya as his captain and starting flanker. Although captain Kolisi is a national treasure, he is getting older and international rugby is a cut-throat environment. It’s easy to find this balance when the individual and the team are performing well, but what do you do when one starts to affect the other?

Empathy has received a lot of attention recently (possibly a bit too much). Some have skewed and distorted the idea of empathy and made it into an excuse for not showing up, manipulating others, and not having tough conversations out of fear of upsetting others – at the cost of things working, performing and getting the job done.

I loved the Ted talk by Dylan Marron titled “Empathy is not endorsement”. In a nutshell, he went through a process of contacting the trolls who had been posting horrible comments on his online content to find out why. What he found was that most of them were doing it because they had been bullied. He explained further that sitting down with these people did not by any means mean that he was endorsing their behaviour, but it was giving him useful perspective, and allowing them to see his side of the argument as well.

Which side of the line do you find yourself on – too much or too little empathy, as a person and a leader? Do you tend to prioritize people or results – or do you typically find the sweet spot in the middle?

Here are some tips to help us move towards that balance:

1. Set a good example: Mental health is greatly impacted by elements such as loneliness, isolation and overwhelm. Encourage your team to share and connect with someone who cares about them. But we know that leaders are often the most lonely people in the room, so you also need to find someone you can talk to, someone who cares about your wellbeing. A coach, counsellor, friend or colleague can be this for you. Sharing aspects of our mutual humanity helps us realize that we have many of the same goals, fears and worries as those that look different to us from a distance.
2. Seek out the perspectives of others: Yours is a valuable opinion, but also listen to the opinions of others. Closely linked to the first point, gathering perspectives allows us to identify our blind spots, misconceptions and assumptions. Although you don’t have to agree with everyone’s opinion, at least you get an idea of how they could get to that position – which is progress in the right direction.
3. Trust people more: Having two little ones in the home, I am often tempted to just tell them what to do – for the sake of efficiency, to protect them, or out of pure frustration. Leadership, much like being a parent, requires we trust our people to figure out the route, solve the problem, and do the task for themselves. And in our experience, most people (not all, but most) want to repay that trust by doing a good job. This starts an upward spiral characterized by a reciprocal increase in trust between leader and follower – the more you give, the more is given back, etc.
4. Get good at listening: It takes courage to have your mind changed by someone bearing their soul to you. I also think that listening to people more than we talk to them is a big sign of respect. Want to know how well you do this? Notice how long it takes you to ask someone else about themselves, what they think and how they have been doing. (Disclaimer: I didn’t like what my data showed me).
5. Listen with your eyes: People don’t just speak in words – they speak with emotion. How someone is showing up can tell you more about where they are at than their actual words. Emotional responses are universal. Notice how people respond when you ask them something when the pressure is on when there is a challenging project or client. Notice when they deviate from the norm. Then ask about it. Sometimes people cannot ask us for help – as leaders we are responsible for looking for the signs.
6. Accountability!: Making sure that you see people is one part of the equation. You also need to gauge what people can give at various stages in their journey with you. Sometimes people are at 100%, but they won’t be there all the time. Sometimes people are at 40% and they also cannot stay there forever. People need to be held accountable for their behaviour, results and actions. By holding them accountable you are telling them that they are an integral part of the team and what they do or don’t do matters. The worst thing you can do is to bring people along for a free ride – it is disrespectful toward them and the rest of the team. Working hard and contributing towards valued goals is immensely dignifying when done in an environment of mutual respect, connection and trust.

As you reflect on the above I encourage you to think about the best leaders you have personally known. Did they meet you where you were? Were they generous in their assumptions about you? Did they trust and hold you accountable? Also, think of what could have been had a leader done this for you. Would it have made a difference to where you are today? You might not have hit the leadership jackpot yet, but that should not stop you from becoming the leader you always wished for.

If you would like to get more from your team by honing in on your ability to see them and take perspective, get in touch. You can reach us at info@purposeworks.co.za.

At PurposeWorks we are all about Making You and Your Work Rock. Our focus is on Organisational Health and Design, Employee Centered Culture, Leadership Development and Performance Coaching. For more information on how we can help you create a work environment that rocks, develop a great team, become an inspiring leader or unlock your personal excellence talk to us at info@purposeworks.co.za.