The gift of silence

Last week we spoke about the concept/emotion of shame. We gave some tips on how to notice and get through the “shame” experience. One of these was to connect. Reflecting on this, I should perhaps have said learn to dis-connect in order to connect. Confusing I know, but let me explain.

We are living in a world where technology has become so advanced that we have constant access to each other, to information and to the virtual world – thank goodness for that, else who would have known where we would have been facing the Covid pandemic. But, as fantastic of a gift it is, it has also become our biggest source of disconnection. It has become the loudest voice.

Notice how you, (yes, I am generalizing, but hear me out), cannot bare to stand in a que without your phone (reading emails, mindlessly scrolling media, catching up on WhatsApp’s) because what if the person in front or behind you makes eye contact or starts a conversation. Notice how while filling your car you are on your phone (even though there is a huge sign saying you shouldn’t be) – you would rather risk the explosion than have an uncomfortable conversation with the petrol attendant. In a Tedx talk by Tatiana Oliveira Simonian I was struck by the statement: Many of us have gotten to a point where we are more uncomfortable without our phones at the dinner tables than we are without our friends and family. We would rather whip out our phones, ignore a stranger’s existence and mindlessly look at phones than be uncomfortable. This avoidance does not only affect how we can connect with what is directly in front of us – people, our environment, our reality; but it affects how we connect with ourselves.

Being a mom of two very small kids I have noticed the impact of this disconnect and obsession with our phones firsthand. I have (yes, I am the mom that does experiments with my kids to test my theories) tested how when I place two of my kids favourite toys in front of them and my phone (switched off) and give them the opportunity to choose – 4 out of 5 times they will choose my phone. I don’t believe this is because the plain black screen which is switched off and makes no sounds and doesn’t give them any sense of entertainment is the most fascinating or rewarding choice – rather my theory is – they see it as valuable. Their reasoning, potentially, because we always have it with us – it must be important. And they aren’t completely wrong – to many of us our phones, our technology has become our lifeline. It gives us a place to hide when we are bored, when we are scared, when we are sad, when we are uncomfortable – it helps us numb, avoid, and disconnect.

BUT we do not grow when we are comfortable – we grow when we go outside of our comfort zone – when we are challenged to be vulnerable and show ourselves.

So how do we go there?

I think it starts with becoming comfortable with boredom, with quiet, with silence. It means not filling our time with distractions that are loader than our own thoughts. It means spending time in nature, spending time in our own thoughts (journaling the old school way: with paper and pen or meditating) and sometimes keeping quiet and just listening to what people are really saying – without formulating counter arguments. Another suggestion I think is super useful to help fight the tendency to go down the rabbit hole of YouTube funniest fails is setting up a technology permission list. This is a list of things to get done first, to feel like you are getting closer to the person you want to be, before you can go to town on the social media or YouTube spiral.

Something else you can try is to put a rubber band around your phone as a reminder to ask yourself “why did I pick it up?” every time you reach for your phone. Check your internal dialogue, need or posture. be honest with yourself about what you are trying to achieve or avoid every time you feel the need to reach for your smart device.

The challenge for this week: become more aware of how and when you use technology and screens to distract, disconnect or numb discomfort. Pick one of the above suggestions and give yourself the gift of silence, then pay attention to how you show up differently in a week’s time.

Silence really can be a gift.

As always, thank you for reading. Please share with anyone you think could find this useful.

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