When to move on – the art of necessary endings
Do you know any people who refuse to make decisions to change their situation for the better? See, I am a person who believes if something isn’t working – fix it, do something differently or throw it away. I struggle to have empathy with people who know better but don’t do better – like they prefer being stuck in the known discomfort rather than moving to the possibly better unknown. Disclaimer: I am as guilty as the “other” people I am referring to – so by no means am I excluding myself from this. As usual, when a thought like this jumps out at me I start an investigation (it’s what the learner in me does). I want to understand why I and those “other people” would prefer to stay stuck in less-than-ideal situations rather than take the necessary action.
Since Biblical times human beings showed similar behavioural trends. The Israelites would rather stay enslaved than take the first step into the unknown, stand up to the Pharoah or trust that there may be a better destiny for them elsewhere. Research has shown that people are more inclined to help others (and even their pets) take their medication properly than to follow their prescriptions themselves. It is like we know what we need to do to be or get better, but we fear what is on the other side of “here”. We would rather stay in a job we dread, in a company with no potential for growth or where there is a risk of getting the dreaded retrenchment note than start looking for something else. Why are we so inclined to stay the course when we desperately want and need better?
This led me to a few more questions and subsequently my thoughts on them:
1. Why are we scared of the unknown?
Because it is the unknown duh! We would rather keep the half-broken, semi-useful gadget than face the potential of needing it sometime in the future. (I believe where most hoarding stems from). I think we fear taking a step into the unknown and finding out that we are inadequate to deal with it (feeling like imposters). We may need to face some of our deeply seated insecurities or more uncertainty, newness, and chaos than we think we can handle. Potentially we could feel that we are betraying some part of the past that has brought us this far.
I think that the key lies in realizing that some things need to be left behind for us to be able to move forward. The unknown will be uncomfortable and most likely we will take a while to find our feat, but it is the only way we will grow. Like having to let go of the boat if you want to ski or a snake that has to shed its skin to grow.
2. Why is making decisions hard for most of us?
Decisions imply making a change and committing to a potentially new/different way of doing. Again, I think uncertainty plays a role: if you are anything like me, I can call up a few million what-ifs when faced with big decisions. We don’t like making mistakes, being wrong, looking dumb or messing up – it just doesn’t sit well with most of us. We also fear being judged when things don’t work out perfectly as we had hoped.
Something I believe helps us navigate this is having a solid set of principles or values that you chose to live by. My husband and I decided on a principle which embodies all our chosen values when we got married and this has genuinely helped us navigate some of the most daunting challenges and uncertainty. It serves as a beacon, reminding us of what matters and makes our decisions less emotional and more grounded. Do we still make sh*tty decisions – Yes! But we rebound quicker, and the guilt is so much less because we know why we made those decisions in the first place.
3. Why don’t we value ourselves enough to try something new?
This question is one I wish I had an answer to – spoiler alert – I don’t. So many of the people I coach or encounter struggle because they just cannot see their worth. It is why moms spend more money and time on their kids than on looking after themselves. It is why we buy better gifts for others than we would for ourselves. It is why we will jump at the opportunity to help others but won’t ask for help ourselves. Yes – you can call this being selfless – and yes there is value in that (the world is better when people consider others and not just themselves) but selflessness in its extremity is stupidity. Nobody can pour from an empty bucket.
Taking care of and adding value to the lives of others is a very noble goal. But the value we can add is greatly diminished when we are not well taken care of ourselves. It might be time to reframe or reposition how we see investing in ourselves when it is done to be able to better contribute to the lives of others. When you are healthy, well-rested, prepared and equipped you can add so much more value than when you are hanging by a thread.
4. Why don’t we believe different can be better?
I don’t think this is true for everyone. There are some people out there that embrace different and new. But some, maybe most of us, prefer the devil we know to the one we don’t. Change should not only be necessary when our current situation is terrible. Often we do the things we do, stay where we are, and keep what we have because it is serving us to some extent. We often speak to people who feel like they are so stuck in their ways. Their way gets things done, but not in the best possible way.
How then do we overcome this and become brave enough to open a new door and close an old one?
We acknowledge that what we have been doing has served us – but it isn’t the only or the best way. We re-articulate the goal and then take time to decide on a new approach. We speak to people we trust and ask them to tell us where our blind spots are. And then we do something different. Like we said last week, do not underestimate the value of making small changes to prove to yourself that change is possible.
In closing, I recently learned about a strange little bug called a Periodical Cicanda better known as a Sonbesie. These little critters live a very boring life but all in the name of survival. They emerge from their little eggs laid in trees and drop to the ground where they burrow down and live as nymphs sapping the juices from the roots of trees for 13 to 17 years before they see sunlight again. They then emerge and live 4 to 6 weeks above ground where they procreate, make a lot of noise, and die (like many rockstars)…
What I found interesting is that these little critters shed their skins and grow four times during the time underground to be able to face the opportunity to flourish above ground. They must go through change, and let go of the old to embrace the new. We get a lot more time out in the sunlight, so may we use our time wisely and learn to let go of what is no longer serving us to become the fully developed creatures we can be. Let’s be more mindful of what we are doing or not doing. Let’s become clearer on what we want from life and start actively making choices that get us closer to the goal. Let go of relationships, grudges, and insecurities that are standing in the way of us moving forward. Let’s try something new. Let’s reflect on where closed doors have saved our #peachemoji and remember where we walked through open doors that have led us on amazing adventures.
As always thank you for reading. We really do appreciate you taking the time. Have a wonderful weekend!
At PurposeWorks we are all about Making You and Your Work Rock. Our focus is on Organisational Health and Design, Employee Centered Culture, Leadership Development and Performance Coaching. For more information on how we can help you create a work environment that rocks, develop a great team, become an inspiring leader or unlock your personal excellence talk to us at info@purposeworks.co.za.
